No, I'm done!

I think it finally hit me - the reason why I haven't been able to write blog posts since I got to Korea - I'm too tired.

The words don't come. I don't remember the stories. I can't think about the things I'm doing and experiencing, let alone the things I'm learning, because every time I start to, I fall asleep.

But, yesterday, it hit me. I've been here for 8 months.

The freight train of reality smashed (vocabulary word!) into my face at the gym last night as I was looking down from my treadmill on to the sea of lights and bustling streets below. This wasn't the same area that I had been dropped into when I first arrived but the giant buildings and bright neon lights are wildly similar.

Seriously though, it was like a flashback you see in the movies.

All of a sudden, I was back - cold, tired and running to keep up with Charlie as he ran and pushed his way through the crowds to get me (and all my stuff) to my temporary home. As soon as we got out of the alley where I was dropped off to meet Charlie, I was blinded by neon. I couldn't focus on anything because everything was bright and flashing. I also couldn't move. I was stuck where I was, staring up at all of the buildings wondering what I had gotten myself into - until I heard Charlie calling my name from the other end of the street.

Looking at those signs, I realized how much had changed since then. The area where I had been dropped off, and the area where I now go to the gym, are no longer intimidating. The buildings don't seem as big. The lights don't seem as bright. Even if I don't know what the signs mean, I can read them and when I get distracted or fall behind, I don't need to run to catch up because I can find my way.

A lot has changed.

My first week of classes was rough and, while it feels like it has been an uphill battle since then, I've started to realize just how much has changed there too. Not just for me but for my kids as well - especially with my five year olds. These kiddos started as chubby little babies who chose the one color that they knew how to say and used it for everything.

"What color are you using?" "Yellow." What color should I use?" "Yellow." "What's your favorite color?" "Yellow."

Now, they're coming in rocking perms, big kid haircuts and wearing their hats to the side. They're reminding me to "try using English, please" and they sit nicely in their seats to write and color in their workbooks (for the first five minutes). These kids who used to turn, look at the wall and pretend they couldn't hear me when I talked to them in English are now holding on to their workbooks during clean up time and screaming "Ms. Bailey, no clean up! No, I'm done! No, I'm doneeeeeeee!"

A lot has changed.

Korea is very different from China. From work to life - everything about Korea is different than China. Even the way that I'm thinking about my time in Korea is different. China was an adventure. It was a time for me to spend living, working and adventuring around Asia with one of my best friends. Korea is real life. I work 10+ hours a day (sometimes teaching straight through). I have a (loose) budget, bills AND (TO TOP IT ALL OFF) I'm alarmingly close to 30. So, things are different now (because apparently that's what happens when you become an adult) and I just haven't had the time for deep thoughts or realizations about life this year. I don't know how this year will play into the grand scheme of my life or even what I will be doing next year because, 8 months ago, 6 months ago, 2 months ago, yesterday, I wasn't even sure I was going to make it through this year.

The only thing I know for sure is that it's too easy for people to get stuck, especially here. They get comfortable and then they don't move - even if they know that moving or changing would be better than staying, it's easier to stay. And I am refusing to let that happen. It would be easy to stay where I am. It would be comfortable (enough). It would be this past year again but easier because I've already done it once. It would be even easier to go home. It would be easy to pack up Pimento and fall back into the people and places that I love and call it a day on my time in Asia. But I also know that easiest isn't always best. And I know that I'm not quite done.

I feel exhausted just thinking about another year in Korea. I feel overwhelmed when I think about the very high probability that another year in Korea means packing, moving and making new friends all over again. ( Thankfully, in a country where it takes 4 hours to get from one side to the other, even moving doesn't mean starting totally new again). And, when I think about how much time and work it takes to figure it all out, I just give up and watch tv.

But, much like my five year olds when I try to take their crayons, I have a death grip on Korea now because I know I'm not quite done yet.

Now all I can do is suck it up and trust that things will work out for next year Pimento and I will be where we need to be and that we will be happy, safe and (at least slightly) better at rolling with the punches.

*I feel like I should end this on a happy note - I love Korea. I am incredibly thankful for the time that I have had here and, as exhausting as it is to think about, I'm excited at the prospect of another year here. That being said, it's been a bumpy 8 months and my brain is very tired but, at the same time, my heart is very happy.*